Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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