My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
