Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
