she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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