i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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