yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
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Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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