i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I am naked and annoyed.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
