I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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