Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm like, not good at living.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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