I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
