GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
