I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
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I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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