my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
