you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
