The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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