Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
