Plan B is the new Plan A
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
