Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
