My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
