I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
