Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
