Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize