Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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