i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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