I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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