C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
