just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
