I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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