I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
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She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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