this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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