i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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