I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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