Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
