i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
