last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
