Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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