Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
