is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize