I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
