you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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