he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He called his prostate his "boner button".
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
