It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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