so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
