Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
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Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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