last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
