my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
