This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I wear drunk well.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
