Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
