I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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