I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
