omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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