Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
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