I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
