Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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