If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We're too hungover to prance.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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