Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
