I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
