I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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