My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
